Gabrielle Ketley reviews the latest Torchwood release
If I had a nickel for every Torchwood story about alien babies popping up on a wedding day… they’d be useless because I live in England and my change ends up down the back of the sofa anyway, but Torchwood: Child Free (Holly Robinson & George Fletcher) does make Suzie’s bitterness in They Keep Killing Suzie (Paul Tomalin, Dan McCulloch) about Gwen replacing her that bit more justified. You can just imagine a spectral Suzie seething over the events of Something Borrowed (Phil Ford), going “Seriously! She’s even stealing my ‘alien baby on the wedding day’ plot now?”
Still, a fun set up is a fun set up. There’s nothing wrong with taking a used premise and doing something completely different with it. However, Child Free plays it safe, delivering a story that’s enjoyable, but doesn’t offer anything new.
Our two main players, Suzie (Indira Varma) and Hywell (Arthur Hughes), meet on a stag do, when Suzie, with typical Torchwood discretion, barges through the dance floor, insisting everyone make way because she’s scanning for alien tech, while they’re just “dancing around their handbags”.
Suzie and Hywell meet, bond over a self-refilling glass of sambuca, and split away from the group to go back to Suzie’s place. On the way, they come across a random baby in the street, which Suzie dumps on a handy police officer. The next morning, Suzie is met with two shock revelations. One, the stag do was Hywell’s, and two, the baby is back, this time on Suzie’s kitchen table.
(At least it’s not in Suzie’s belly, hey Gwen?)
Suzie and Hywell must juggle getting Hywell to the church on time, and fending off the blob monsters trying to devour little “Sambuca”, who is in fact a tasty energy snack, camouflaged as a baby for maximum pathos.
Suzie and Hywell are a fun duo, and we see a different side to Suzie, a Suzie trying to find a life and love outside of Torchwood. But Hywell’s dilemma over facing those expectations to hit all the typical milestones (marriage, family), whether you feel ready to or not, is not explored to its full potential.
Hywell is evidentially not ready. His romance with childhood sweetheart Naomi has been marked with infidelity on both sides, and as chaos unfolds, you get the impression Suzie is the one keenest on seeing Hywell make it to the altar.
Perhaps if Naomi herself was a character, sharing with Hywell’s journey, the play would have a chance of selling the love between them, convincing us it’s worth rooting for these two. Instead, Child Free is one of those wedding stories where you find yourself wishing it had the honesty to end with an “I don’t” instead of an “I do”.
Torchwood usually thrives with its character work, leaning into the messiness of human emotions. Here, the resolution for Hywell is quick and neat. Despite all evidence to the contrary, Hywell decides he’s in love and ready to marry Naomi. I guess wacky shenanigans are as good a way to figure out what you want from life as any other. We just won’t mention what he got up to on his stag night with Suzie.
The play does end on a poignant note. Knowing what we do about Suzie’s fate, stories about Suzie are inevitably bitter sweet, or just plain bitter. Hywell’s parting wish for Suzie to “have a good life” encapsulates the bitter and the sweet. But hey, who’s to say Suzie’s life wasn’t good?
It was just her death that was a bit messed up.
Torchwood: Child Free is available on CD or as a download from
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